Father's Day

I feel the need to experience some fatherly love, not from my father or a father figure but from myself to me.
Since yesterday I've have gone through a series of events and awareness situations.
I realised how tough I have been with myself. I kind of knew from time ago but never really hit me the way it did This time. The way I demand from others the ability to change and evolve is the same way I demand from myself.

I've been asking how best to love myself and to be honest I didn't have much of an idea of what to do to approach this new perspective in my life. I thought that treating me nicely would be enough. That means eating nutritious foods, keeping toxins of my system and with that I thought would be enough.

However that's the kind of relationship an absent or a very severe father would have with his child. Providing everything but attention, time, presence, understanding.
I was raised to believed the most important part of life was to do all you can do to be the best, nothing is more important that to prove I'm worth the air I breathe and making my family proud.
I'll my life I thought I wanted to prove myself to the world, in reality I just wanted to prove it to myself.
However, dealing with the syndrome ' not good enough' made it very difficult to ever reach my own expectations of myself.
I didn't noticed how much I demanded from me until I wrote the Article from last Saturday 'A moment in time' and I realised how much I demanded from people around me. I was not treating people with love, even thou I felt love for them. Instead I focus in their faults and point them out and if they couldn't deal with it I kept pushing more and more.

Today I am aware of this fact. I understand that to love myself I can start by loving others. Accepting them the way they are. Helping and coaching their ascendance with love, patience and tolerance.

I definitely believe in self love and now I think I can start focusing my thought to building a solid foundation based in a loving attitude towards myself and my people.

Note: I had 2 days with fever but I think is all part of the emotions lived with this new awareness. I ask God and my Angels for a speedy recovery and clarity for understanding and accepting this new way of being.

Thank you for all the blessings poured over me, my family and friends
xXx

27.2.11 Please go easy on me

Eyes hurt, feeling low of energy. I think I'm getting to hard on me. Asking to much, I'm feeling exhausted
I change my approach to me now
xXx

Day 8 A moment in time (Chronicles of human explotion) Part 1

Today 33 days after a spiritual and physical rebirth, I´m feeling a little frustrated with my self-imposed quarantine. I do understand and accept the need of this reclusion, staying at home and keeping away from people in general building up inner as well as outer strength. However, it becomes very clear to me that I’m not the kind of person who can live a dull/boring life. I'd die in a moment if kept in captivity for too long.

During my secluded time I get to question how people do it all the time. Just to imagine the amount of self-programming that needs to be done in order to suppress the real self expression, makes me sad. But sadder is the fact that this human condition can be seen everywhere. People become robotised in order not to feel emotions at all. Otherwise, I think they would explode and run free like wild cattle, searching for real meaning to their lives, at least for a while. Of course that's not what an organized society wants or needs. Free thinkers are to be abolished and put away for who knows they might be contagious.

Addictions to TV, food, facebook and little pleasures are what make people feel temporary good enough to keep the cycle of unconscious guilt rolling back... if we’re lucky, but what about during deeper cycles of addictions to stronger substances and/or unhappiness when we become so desperate that life becomes a burden. But nothing truly changes. Everyone wants to be happy but no one is willing to explore beyond their comfort zones. Either life becomes too painful to question or people are too frightened to stand for themselves. Even the so called spiritualists or believers which in many cases is just another way cover up for their inability to express themselves, becoming followers or worse, becoming radicals of ideas completely out of touch with our current reality and human/spiritual needs.

But that's the world we live in. Too much contained unhappiness, frustration, sorrow, boredom, anger and fear that creates only one way to salvation and that is the prospect that there is no-salvation at all. The idea that there's no way out, that life is the way it is regardless of what we want or who we are. The inconceivable and so popular concept "I don't have a choice, at least not at this moment" but that moment last forever. Moments, become days, days become stories, stories become lives and at the end of our life we realise that our story can be written in one single line: I WISH I HAD FOLLOWED MY HEART JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE.

Living a life dedicated to please others is not a life at all, even thou it sound obvious not many truly understand this idea. Nowadays it is normal behaviour to comply with rules, laws and regulations. Governments, organizations and social beliefs command our judgement of right and wrong, good or bad, wanted and not wanted. We have come to adopt other people’s ideas many of which have originated ages ago and have no correlation with our current ways of being and expression. I’m not talking social anarchy but about the individual power of creation. Knowing what is best for us and taking full responsibility of our well being and happiness. This may sound selfish but let’s understand that a person cannot make someone else happy unless that person is happy in the first place.

Who programmed us to believe that random moments of comfort are worth working like slaves 90 percent of our lives and not only that, most of the times we don’t even enjoy it? Who put in our minds the idea that we need to be saved and healed in order to simply be? Who made the rules that now suffocate us to the point of no return? When did we all go so wrong that now we waste our lives hypnotised by a promise of a future that may never arrive in most of the cases? Who took our power away from us?

I believe life has to be lived every moment with every breath, soaring with excitement as we walk our paths. Discovering what we are good at and not waiting for someone to validate our abilities or condemning our disabilities. Life is our only chance to prove to ourselves our own individuality. So, why falling prey of our fears or insecurities? Why doing what other people expect of us only because they want us to? Why not dare to explore our own magnificence and individuality, especially if by not doing so only makes us feel unhappy, angry and frustrated?

In one moment we are born and in one moment we die. Can't we also see the importance of every moment in between? In each moment we choose to live or die. In each moment we choose to create or destroy. In each moment we choose to be ourselves... or not.

I know what I will do. Seize the day and believe that I AM. No one can prove me wrong for I live a life that is God, in honesty and devoted to my heart and soul, a life of service and in love to my Self, to my people, to my world.

I love being me which in reality is only yourself being reflected back to you.}

LoveAlways
xXx

Day 7 Adjustment Day

Last night was long thou divided in several stages of deep intense dreaming that kept hiding from my conscious mind every time I woke up.
A constant flow of fluids ran from my body. Not sure if it's because we drank a lot more water thanks to the new jug and positive energy water or a self-care mechanism that divided the amount of information downloaded to our system in chapters in our own benefit.
Funny thing was how synchronised my mom and I were as we kept waking up at the same time during the night, having the same experience of intense dreaming but unable to remember what was dreamt about.

The day felt a bit weird, I was very tired and with no real energy to do much.
We prepared for a long session of movie watching and hold the position for a few hours.
3 movies after, we realised that a dear new friend was coming to offer a new kind of therapy, one which I tried for the first time a week ago.
EFT or as I call it "tap tap" great therapy which allowed me to explore my feelings and emotions. I went in the experience and one hour after I had released a lot of deep emotion a lot of tears.

Todays theme kept present. Adjustment all over. Physically, emotionally and I'm sure spiritually too.

There's a feeling growing inside of me that guides me towards greater inner changes. I still can't figure everything out but I'm already listening the call from my heart.
It relates to higher state of constant consciousness, my relationship with food as my primal primitive need, the way I see my self and the trust in my abilities. Somehow I feel my relationship with my world is about to change. As if it hadn't change enough already since my rebirth in mid January.

Anyway, I managed to turn off the tv enough time to write my blog. Unfortunately there's no much to do without it. My mom is kind of addicted to Facebook and I'm a little too bored or boring to invent new activities. Eat, tv, Facebook, or sleep, that's pretty much it. At least for today.

I'll let it be for now, relax and not do much, not even think much.
So with this high note I say goodbye until the next time.

xXx

Freedom! A new day, a new life

Was 21:21hours when I started feeling a little unsettled for what was going to be my last appointment with the doctors at the HIV clinic. I had decided a few days back, after consulting with my loved ones, to stop the treatment, yet again.

I questioned myself about how best to tackle this situation. How to best tell the doctors I'm not continuing with the treatment without sparking a debate or a lecture.
I was thinking and worrying about the worst of the outcomes. My mind was starting to feel cloudy, no clarity at all in regards my appointment. I thought about not going, cancel or postponing it. But nothing felt right inside my heart. Some how, I knew I needed to keep searching for a better solution.
With that thought in mind I chose to slept it over and went to bed.

The next morning, the debate in my head continued. What should I do? I wanted to take the best decision. I asked my guardian angels; Please help me with clarity in this matter. What is the best course of action?

Suddenly, I got it! I needed to change my perspective. I was targeting in my mind all the worse scenarios but what about if I just think about the best scenario possible.
That simple thought changed everything within me. My mind cleared up, my heart rate slowed down, I felt relaxed, safe and secure about what to do.

I imagined arriving to the clinic, asking to speak with the social worker; explaining my reasons to stop treatment in a very calm and relaxed manner; they were listening and respecting my decision without the need to argue or enter in conflict; imagined leaving in peace and in a friendly way in a matter of minutes.
The best part was imagining the feeling of self-satisfaction and achievement for having confronted a scary situation and turned it into something beautiful. I imagined and felt my courage and bravery, my honesty and clarity, my inner peace and happiness.

I knew this time it was going to be different from the very beginning. It felt like a proper closing down of a cycle. I was not running away from reality as it felt many other times, nor filled with anger, confusion, doubt or any dense/obscure feeling.
No, this time was different. I was in control of my emotions and feeling. Little did I knew, of my reality as well as I was going to find out.

Took me a lot of praying and concentration on my way to the appointment not to fall victim of my old way of thinking and worry about possible bad scenarios.
My angels were always by my side as we arrived to the clinic. Even thou I was not going over and over my imagined best scenario in my mind, i started to play it through in reality as perfectly rehearsed.

I was amazed how everything started to developed exactly as I imagined and in a matter of minutes we were saying our goodbyes with hugs and a great sense of respect for each other.
No speeches filled with fear as before, no words of pain, illness or death were spoken.
She, the social worker listened as I explained my desires for a natural and alternative treatment as if she knew or agreed with what I was saying. She then commented about my obvious spiritual strength, something that I admit made me feel very good, and didn't dispute any of my points.
On our way out the same feeling of achievement and happiness plus an immense sense of freedom flooded my heart.

I couldn't just go back home after that. I was feeling free and I wanted to enjoy this feeling much more in depth.
Got home for a quick second breakfast and we headed out to the streets again. Went for a walk in the local park filled with a beautiful forest of pine trees. Did some exercise at the park's gym... Very little but felt great and my body responded as expected. Did some shopping afterwards and drove through the small town of Metepec. Later had a bio-magnetic therapy to alined my magnetic field and a gorgeous lunch back at home.

Notes: I have/feel no candidiasis, my tongue is clean and there's a fresh taste in my mouth.
My stomach feels stronger and is holding very gracefully to everything I eat... Which is a lot. No rumbling or bloating, it feels much better now.

I want to knowledge and humbly thank my Angels and Archangels for their guidance and assistance during this day.
I intent to keep building up my power of manifestation and self-belief.
Sharing light and love where ever I go for the greatest good of all.

In Light&Love
xXx

PD: We got today a big jug to structure our water with blessings, pure positive energy thoughts and much much love.

18:38pm An amazing day to be alive

Woke up quite early, around 5.30am but with a big sense of control after I managed to sleep in one go without running to the toilet.
My mom was already awaken and we started to talk about the great possibilities that becoming aware of your own body could have in people's life. We went on working with her allergies and identified few issues that could be the trigger of them and could be originated in the mind, not the body.

Full of excitement and gratitude for having cracked the code, as we believe, of our chronic discomforts sat down and prepared for meditation.

The day developed with full power in the felling of gratitude and sense of achievement. The sun shined and warmed the air, birds sang and life looked beautiful after a long shower were my singing voice once again hit the high notes. A new voice was born, still a bit shaky but with great stability, power and precision.

To practice yoga was now in order, my guardian Angels and Archangels have been advising me to go outdoors for a total recharge of batteries. So, I prepared my moms conservatoire for stretching and breathing techniques and some Kundalini Yoga. The experience blew my mind and spirit. A carnival of aromas were showered over me. Lavender, roses, basil and all kinds of aromatic plants and colours with a background of mantra music. The heat was intense and I enjoyed being me as I felt synchronised with the Universe in a rhythmic dance of aromas, breathing, movement, peace, and love.

Finished in time to wait for mon to arrive from teaching a class at her yoga centre, in the meantime I felt attracted to read all the messages, notes and post people, family and friends left on my Facebook wall during my illness or what I call my crossing over to the light side.
The amount of love and care coming from those messages was so intense that for an instant felt the same emotion as when in hospital the lights came to me to pull me back from my grannies arms and physical death.
I was soaked in gratitude, answered the post and thanked for their prayers and intentions. Love was definitely in the air today.

Notes: My tummy is totally changing and now it holds much better, I'm feeling more candida in my mouth compared to yesterday but I attribute it to the amount of "cajeta" and sugar I had yesterday. Now in the evening I feel a bit tired and kind of peckish, i might go to the kitchen and assault the fridge ;)

Today I selected a flying pig pic because I believe in making the impossible possible :)

xXx

20:20pm Confronting myself

A day of confusion and strong emotions. Woke up several times last night to go to the toilet. I could ignore it as I've done all these years but I truly desire to put an end to this discomfort.

Today I realised that I may have a conflict of interest for I'm not totally convinced of my desire to stop my diarrea. I say this because in some unconscious and unbalanced way I've been able to become aware of this situation, I realised I enjoy the fast release and watery consistence as I feel I don't have to pusher work harder for it and it goes away easily, besides its easier for me to clean the mess. This situation reflects pretty much everything else in my life as I can get rid of everything so easily hence the fact I own nothing material right now. However, this is about to change.

The candidiasis got much better today with better cleanliness but more importantly with my new found ability to communicate and express my feelings. I still feel afraid of opening up and doesn't come easy but I'm taking baby steps towards a much greater communication, self-acceptance and love.

I love my mom and I love my David and I only ask my God that I would never be misunderstood when I raise my feelings and emotions in ways that they might feel confronted them selfs.

I love and accept myself the way I am. I create a safe and secure world around me. I now hold on to my creations and valuables being very grateful for what I have right now in the knowledge that I can build on as much wealth and abundance as I desire. I keep the love and energy that nurtures me and I grow stronger with every breath I take.

Thank you my guardian angels for your guidance, protection, and love

LoveAlways
xXx

12:21pm A day of mysteries

From the late at night to all this time, the last 12 hours have been involved in mystery.

First and without an explanation the remote control disappeared from the bedroom. We (mother and I) have been looking for it ever since. Specially my mom as for me has come as a blessing. I'm not a TV fan and the grotesquely big size of my moms flat TV gives me headache and blurred vision.

Then, at 3:33am my mom is awaken. We had a blackout. Normally nobody would notice until the next day but at my moms house there's a mini power station that as soon as it stops getting energy from outside it beeps, and quite loudly, I may say.
I noticed because I had awaken too to go to the toilet and on my way back was informed of the situation. Didn't care much only for the fact that now there's no heating on.

Obviously, the next morning was completely out of control. Nothing worked and routines collapsed. Mother was trying all ways to report as many times as possible the blackout to the electricity company, calling neighbours and asking them to report the situation ASAP.
A bit of chaos was felt in the air and I was just observing the situation and worrying over my own issues. I had developed a cough during the night, the chest felt a little tighter than before and noticed that my mouth was white with candidiasis.
Checked with Louise Hay's disease directory and discovered that candida appears for frustration and inability to trust, which was exactly the emotions I was experiencing. So I decided to take action or better said, words.

Prepared my breakfast while mother was absorbed in reporting the electric fault. Had my full meal and confronted mother. I talked about looking at the situation from a greater, more spiritual perspective. Loosing the control, waking up at 3:33 and noticing it, the blackout, the chaos, etc; were only a chain of events, connected with the possibility of a greater meaning.
Talked about spirituality and the need to stay present, focused. To absorb the situation in a different way.
Changes just don't happen, we need to experience the change and absorb them. Many times we need practice for a change in pattern fully settles as the untrained mind will try to stay parked in the old ways of thinking and experiencing life.

We have now the opportunity to think differently, talk differently and act differently. becoming aware of the divine expressions in what we call "reality" and trust that there's so much more that we don't know and a humble, grateful, trustful mind and heart is required to avoid chaos and obtain finally Peace of Mind and a state of Ascended Sanity.

Today I give myself permission to be all that I can be, and I deserve the very best in life. I love and appreciate myself and others.

xXx

8.18am Sunday 19 feb. Sweet morning of joy

I woke up today with a sweet sensation. I was dreaming about me buying fresh fruit sorbets and ice creams for my loved ones. It was a small, come-to-less little town of Mexico, where you can see that it was once a big, prosperous town with big hotels, now converted in cheap residence.
But the ice creams were as good as always, creating lines of people from opening times.
I was abundant in cash and willingness to share this sweetness with my people.

Anyway, I woke up and found my mom with her eyes open. I was so excited and happy for my dream that I told her all about it.
She is now relaxed and I am too. I am happy and very relaxed with how life and me is turning to be.
Yesterday, I summon my angels and archangels to help me and guide me in my process and that's what they did indeed.
The evening was surrounded with beautiful and exciting music from the DVD The phantom of the opera 25 anniversary when I chose to discontinue my HIV pills and not taking them anymore. Trusted my healing abilities and my intuition to guide through and with the invaluable help and guidance of my angels especially Archangel Ariel who came to me with the message: stand up to your beliefs with courage. I asked her for inner strength and the night passed with a great sense of security in my decision and Self.
My mother inquired about my pills, without thinking I told her I was still taking them. I felt from her a sense of relief and without making or talking more about it knew it was the best for her and everyone that they keep believing I was under the medical treatment to avoid questioning, worrying, doubts and stress.

I have decided to keep this approach for the moment for the wellbeing of everyone, me included.

Guiltless and very sure of myself my spiritual connection and the path to follow.

Thank you God, my Source for the miracle of creation.
To my Angels and Archangels for their help and guidance.
To my Spirit guides for their company and comfort at all times, along with their loving guidance.
And to the Master Souls for sharing thier wisdom, experience and light.

xXx

THE ZEN CARD OF TODAY: The King of Fire tells us that anything that we undertake now, with the understanding that comes from maturity, will bring enrichment to our own lives and to the lives of others. Using whatever skills you have, whatever you have learned from your own life experience, it is time to express yourself.

6:45am first iPhone entry from bed

Very intense night. Since yesterday I was wondering why I let myself be dominated by fear when I had already decided not to take the HIV pills.
I got very angry with myself, mom and everything and everyone. Probably that was the reason for the diarrea off all night and of course the meat I had for dinner last night that even when I was eating it I was not enjoying and felt heavy, salty and just damn wrong but I didn't care and packed the meal more for my desire to eat something that for hunger or enjoyment of my meal.

Now I feel more relax. I'm happy to be writing my emotions and thought and let them flow.
I already posted on Facebook and my mom is doing like hours of meditation.

I feel I have to realise I'm not alone in this process. I don't mean my mom or friends. I mean my spirit guides and angels.
I woke up feeling and thinking shit, as soon as I asked for clarity my mind relaxed, blessed my water and my stomach got better, probably because I had nothing left inside after 4-5 times going to the bathroom overnight.

Anyway, a new day is dawning and new experiences are coming my way.

Today I intent to have more present my Angels and spirit guides and rely on them for moments of uncertainty, doubt and for the blessing that all that I put in my mouth. Unfortunately fit the moment is only food and water... Id love to put a big juicy c...k :) but is not in the menu for the moment hehe.

LoveAlways
xXx