Turning to the dark side

On my last post dated Jun 14th, I stated that there was a lack of inspiration in my everyday breathing and that something needed to be done to continue the journey. In the last 12 days many things of powerful outcomes had happened. First I realised that whatever I was doing or being wasn't making me happy. There was a part of me denying the identity I builded up over the last 7 years. I was killing myself emotionally when at the same time healing the body. Of course this was not going to happen, one cannot heal unless everything heals. I couldn't undertand what was wrong or not completely right. I was surviving with bread and water that put me in an anaemic state with a full collapse of my immune system once again for almost 30 days. But why? I had become the example I was meant to be, I was good at what I was doing, people were loving me and things were looking brighter... and still I was not happy. I began to sabotage the progress made, cancelling clients and falling into depression.  

At some point a friend asked me, what is what you want? I said, -I don't know but I know that I don't want to become a slave of my own progress, I see people in a vicious circle getting clients, making sure you keep them happy, when at the same time trying to be happy myself, becoming a commodity for people that can pay my fees while ignoring the one who can't pay or just leaving few hours for charity work since I had to worry about making a living first... This is normal standards in our world nowadays but that visualisation did not inspire me one bit. So what do I want? I had no idea... but I certainly knew what I didn't want and it wasn't that.

First, I realised that on top of all my priorities was the need to be part of the human society, be accepted, loved while I'm useful and beneficial to them. Everything I've done in the last 7 years was to become the best I could possibly be to serve as an example to my fellow humans. I healed my life, body and my mind... but still wasn't enough to get the recognition I was hopping to get. So I decided to stop trying. I decided to make myself, my life and my happiness first priority on my list but that presented another dilema, I had built an identity so well constructed and powerful that I didn't know how to step out of it. So how to start from scratch when I need to drag with me the ideas of what people have of me. I was not just going to make a gradual transformation. I needed to make a clean up start simply because that's the way I am. Don't have the responsibility of a family or children to support and can take any decision in my life without affecting anyone. 

So I did and I'm much happier now

xXx