A strange wake up to a new reality where from early hours was presented with the challenge to confront my darker side.
First, my insecurities about love. Writing to my 'special one' as soon I opened my eyes and asking for confirmation that Im loved and wanted. Putting down the coldness of my emotions saying that I'm ok either way, with or without him. A total lie since I'd be devastated but I know I'd move on. A total confusion of emotions started to cloud my mind, even posting on facebook felt not real, like pushed to sound special and connected when in reality for me was was irrelevant and absurd.
The day continued and I decided to post on Facebook a letter I wrote to a person in London. My intention were to find contacts and people interested in me and my services for when I'm back. On that letter I present my current situation. I tried to be as honest as possible thou I felt into my own trap of adorning or magnifying too much certain situations but in general (98%) was very honest. Honesty that made me feel vulnerable and insecure again as I'm concerned that so much information could trigger envy, distrust or fear about me.
Then I went to a EFT workshop. This was a great opportunity to learn a new technique to liberate emotions and transcend blockages and old patterns in the personality. I focused on my insecurities that were so vivid strong that day. and so, the process began. For hours all went fantastic until the moment of letting go. I just couldn't! I was paralysed and didn't take the final step of releasing the emotion. I felt frustrated and very angry with myself. I couldn't believe I missed that opportunity.
Frustrated, confused and very angry went back home where my mother was waiting for me to go to a wedding. I felt so tired. The day before had a 9 hour straight work day. I was energetically drained and exhausted. Thinking about a wedding made me feel physically sick but still I went along. My mood was dropping as well as my energy levels. In my mind I tried to understand what had happened to me at the workshop, I was punishing me over and over for not been able to realise the insecurity.
I was so angry I wanted to punch myself. My stomach was about to explode and my head was about to implode. A total emotional chaos.
To end this roller coaster of emotions after an hour drive we arrived to the wedding site only to go back without reaching the destination. Rain, not finding the entrance and my dark mood made my mother turn the car around and decided to go back without even trying twice to find a way in.
Frustration, more anger, more confusion and lots and lots of insecurity became present. I just wanted to hit myself where it hurt most. In this case my abdomen. I tried to use my new EFT technique but couldn't.
Decided to talk to my mother, I knew I could use this situation so dark to turn it into something great. Similar to what happened on the 11.11.11 in Playa del Carmen.
So, we talked and we processed. I realised the golden opportunity to forgive myself and treat me with love and care when things and situations are going wrong or bad. Normally I used to hide and punish myself with food, alcohol, drugs or anything that made me forget about the situation. Running from it and then feeling guilty for my emotional weakness.
Now, I have a new vision. I can see the underlying reason of things. When we ask for strength we don't get stronger we get the situations and opportunities to exercise our strength. Today everything went 'wrong' and was the greatest opportunity to make it 'right'.
I need more exercises like this if I want to be sure that nothing will stop my progress once I'm back in London and putting down the foundation of my new life. I'm learning to structure firm and secure. Consistent with my new awareness and consciousness.
Thank you for today's great lesson
SatNam
xXx
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