REMI - The Story of a Prince

ONCE UPON A TIME .999
There was a glorious King with 3 glorious children. The First was tall, responsible and mature. The Last was always first, innocent and very playful. The Middle One was lost, shy and pure and His name was REMI. REMI had a dream beyond all dreams. He wanted to be found. For years, he lived in a cave, a cave he called Home. The King his Father looked everywhere for the little boy, but the boy in silence feared to come out of his darkness. He didn't know a King was looking for him, didn't know he was a Prince. One day, he ran out of fear and decided to adventure out into the unknown. He was very cautious and thoughtful of every step he took. One step forward could take a day, and he felt he was going nowhere.
One little bird called Tegwen, came out of the blue and saw the little boy standing alone in the middle of the woods, and the bird asked the boy, "where are you going so slowly?"
- "I don't know." The boy replied to the bird. "I just know I cannot stay in my cave anymore." But the bird didn't understand. For her, the boy was going nowhere moving so slowly, and asked the boy if she could be of any help.
- "Maybe I can help you realise where you're going. I can fly very high and see much greater fields ahead." But the boy shook his head and with a sad look declined the blue bird's offer.
- "Nobody can guide me for only I know where I'm going." The boy said.
The beautiful blue bird thought the boy was being a little arrogant and noticed that although the boy was slow in action, he was very quick in thought.
- "OK" Said the little blue bird. "But I will fly high anyway, and will look out for anyone looking for a little sad and lonely boy."
- "YES, Please. Do that for me and I promise I will always look out for you, my friend."
And so, the little blue bird flew away, and the little boy took one more step.

Days passed, nights fell, moons appeared and disappeared and the boy continued to walk about.
For years the story continued with the boy, who was now a grown man, walking slowly inside his world. He didn't know what he was looking for, and forgot everything he knew about the darkness of his cave. By now, every tree was his friend, every stone knew the man's good steps. But the blue bird came back one morning while the man awakened from his sleep.
- "Do you remember me?" The blue bird asked the grown old man.
- "Of course I do, you are my friend the messenger of faith."
- "Indeed I am, and this time I got a message for you. The King, The Wise Old King is dead, and from all the kingdom all living things are coming to his deathbed to bid him farewell and to listen to his last wish, for He has asked that once all creatures of his kingdom were gathered together, he would deliver to us his last favour. So we must hurry. We ought to be there for whom has been there for us, in glory and in throne. The King will read his last wish from the lips of his long lost kid.
- "Have they found the kid?" The old man asked.
- "YES. I have" the bird shyly said.
- "What a glorious day this is, when a King finds its Prince and a child found becomes free."

And so, the old man walked the walk to the Kings Castle with the blue bird sitting proud on his right shoulder, and when they were in front of the old dead King, from the king's lifeless hand a note appeared as his palmed slowly opened like a lotus flower in full bloom. And the note read:

"WELCOME LITTLE ANGEL
WELCOME TO YOUR HOME"

The old man reached down to grab the fallen leaf where the message was conveyed and as he lifted his head he saw the dead King smiling in his dream, and he said:

I AM MY FATHERS LOST SON AND I HAVE FOUND MYSELF. LET MY BROTHERS RULE IN PEACE FOR MY KINGDOM LIVES AMONG THE TREES.

And the old man left, never to be seen again.
The story tells that one little blue bird comes in time of lunar eclipse and shares the story of her old wise friend, making sure the story never ends. And so it is. 333

First Step in a 1000 mile journey

LET IT ALL BE DONE .999
Today, I opened uncle Tony's urn to transfer the ashes into the traveling container. The opening was extremely powerful, I prayed, cried and even invoked, chanted and cast spells. Later,
As I began to check the few papers I had left from him and was thinking to take with me, I found a letter without name, date or signature that jumped on me as a spooked cat. The letter is a goodbye letter with very uncanny references. Then, I found his medical and criminal records but before I could read all of it, I decided to burn everything off inside the golden urn covered with mother Perl, as a way of a send off, a cleansing or a Grace of a Full Pardon. I discovered many great awful things, and also beautiful letters from his soul. Also found pictures when he was young, and he was quite a handsome devil. Couldn't believe it was the same person I helped die in April this year.
Anyway, today I took the first step on a journey with no return ticket. I'm not sure what will be the end or when or where. Somehow I find myself longing for the solitude of the road as my old home is now filled with many foreign spirits.
I feel like going home though, but home is now nowhere and everywhere at the same time, which makes this journey so special and unique. Can't be sure of anything. I'm leaving with the hope to see my cats once again, and sleep comfortable in my bed, but I'm also prepared to never see the light of day as I vanish in the air as the scattered ashes flying away. 333
Next stop.... AVIGNON, HERE WE COME!

THE 999 ALIGNMENT

9/9/9  = (9/SEP[9]/2016[2+1+6=9])

Hello Familia,

Today is to be the end of a conscious cycle of 9 years. Most of the recent information found regarding this sequence of numbers and the significance of today's date comes from a website that somehow put in words and online, what I've already known and downloaded months ago into my mind: The information from the website: foreverconscious.com/numerology-spiritual-significance-992016 is transcripted word by word. [***txt at the end of page]

WHAT DOES THIS POINT OF CHANGE MEAN TO ME?

- Well, pretty much resumes the moment of now within my life and psyche. I am in a place of surrender and pretty much being encouraged to act within my Higher Conscience's guidelines. 

THE WEAKEST LINK THAT GETS REPLACED TODAY: My Mind fearing Pain of Rejection and Shame and therefore avoiding every possible vulnerable situation where it feels powerless and unprotected in the presence of beauty or strength. (The root of this vicious thinking pattern began in the 3rd or 4th year of my life as I felt terribly afraid and unprotected as a child in the abusive presence of my soon-to-be-stepfather, and my mother's blind eye.)

THE SITUATION IN THE NOW: I have invited a dear Malaysian Facebook friend who I never met in person but knew for many years online to come and live with me for two months. This invitation came about naturally and totally unconditionally, and quite easy I may add, since we always saw something about each other's life as part of one's experience. In recent years, he found himself immersed in deep dark waters, inside the eye of his own chaotic hurricane, with lots of conflict with himself at many different levels. And in contrast, I've been living the best, happiest moments of my life, feeling strong, balanced, self-contained, enlightened, and quite powerful and beautiful :)  Such differences in perspective within our lives made me reach out in support and brothership. I knew somehow I have the experience and clarity needed to manifest massive change and transformation as I have achieved it in my own life many times over. So, I wanted to share with my dear friend everything I have learned about self-healing, self-love, self-awakening, self-creation, destruction and evolution, and of course my newly acquired clear vision of Quantum Consciousness and Cosmic Abundance. 

The experience is proving to be one big challenge. However, in all its difficulty it is also quite easy to endure. So far we’re in week 3 and each week has been as different from the other as snow flakes. This past week I've found a wall in front of me as him, but in the knowing that he is only showing me a part of me that I cannot see, I can feel that same wall beginning to be revealed inside myself. [Like...] thanks to his wall I'm becoming aware of mine. The wall is about intimacy with others and breaking free from the conditionings of the mind, that thinks that there’s something wrong or ugly, or even evil about me [GUILT]; in this case about us. So, I can share that it is very difficult to deal with this issue because it feels as if I were fighting my own Great Demon through somebody else's experience. 

Yes, there are moment when I question why did I put myself through this, but then, I know for certain that I am someone who always stretches the limitation and expands the boundaries of my own mind and others, so its not very difficult to understand why I did it. Because being like this is who I am and I cannot longer not be truthful to myself and everyone else, in every way I can. However, there are many parts of me that still lie hidden in the background [darkness] and are screaming to be let out and be healed, been able to express themselves freely and blissfully. So, this process in which today we find ourselves is one of change and transformation with the greatest blessing to have the best and the worst of us reflected in each other, working as mirrors of the soul.

In the intention of letting go and transcendence:

TODAY WE COME CLOSER AND SEE THE UGLIEST PARTS UP CLOSE AND LOOSE THE FEAR OF BEING THAT WHICH WE THINK IS NOT US. BY REALISING WE ARE IT ALTHOUGH WE CHOOSE NOT TO BE IT, WE BECOME THE EXACT REFLECTION OF OUR OWN HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS INSIDE OUR HEARTS. AND SO, TODAY OUR MIND BECOMES THE CLEAR IMAGE OF THE SOUL.

I intent to let go of Resistance of Pain or Shame, and Fear-of-Rejection. and I come closer to that I wish to move away from.

PRAYER: I ASK MY HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS TO PLEASE SHOW ME HOW TO FEEL MORE COURAGEOUS WITH MY VULNERABLE HEART AND LOVE.

AFFIRMATIONS FOR GREATER PARTICIPATION AND LOVE EMBRACE:

I AM LOVABLE ENOUGH

I AM BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH

I AM SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH.

Blessed by Love,
LoveAlways
x
333
______________
.999

"By Tanaaz. The 9th day of the 9th month in a number 9 year (9-9-9) is one of the most potent days in 2016 according to numerology.

This is because the number 9 is said to represent endings and a time of clearing out the old so the new can emerge.

Number 9 is also said to represent an increase in universal awareness and a time where truth and information is to be revealed for the higher good.

This theme has been running through the entire year, however on September 9th the energy is set to be amplified as the 9-9-9 gateway opens. 

Whatever needs to be cleared, whatever needs to be released and let go of is likely to be brought to our attention during this time. This is also especially true due to the fact that September also brings a potent eclipse cycle. 

The most potent of these eclipses is will fall on September 16th and this is set to truly amplify and highlight all that we need to let go of in order to move forward. 

Of course, this is not an immediate or sudden process. In fact, it is likely that whatever we have needed to shed this year, whatever we have needed to kill off or burn, has been something we have been dealing with for quite some time.

September 9th is simply going to highlight this energy and allow us the opportunity to release all that we need to in order to move forward.

This month may also bring some new information to the surface, which should help us to wade through a situation to determine fact from fiction. 

Because September is all about releasing, old fears may also come up for questioning. If this happens, be mindful of acting or reacting in the same old way using the same old limiting thoughts.

Perhaps try something different and try to see things from a different point of view. This may help you to shed and release all that you need to once and for all. 

Endings and death of habits, beliefs and ideas can be difficult and even traumatic, but it is necessary for all of us if we want to move into the new vibration or new cycle that will begin in 2017. 

2017 is a number 1 year and represents the start of a new cycle, and if we fully want to embrace and welcome in the new, we have to first release and shed the old. 

In order to fully understand and appreciate this cycle, we may have to head back to 2008, which was the start of this cycle that we are now bringing to a close in 2016. 

Perhaps think back to what you were doing at this time or what events or themes presented themselves to you during this period in your life.

Chances are, you may be wrapping up or bringing an end to the energy or journey that you started during this time. 

It could even be that you are shedding old thoughts, fears and belief systems that perhaps have now shifted or changed. You may also have a greater awareness about your life and what it is that you want to achieve. 

You can find out more specifically about how the energy of 2016 is going to affect you by working out your personal year number for 2016.

9/9/16 is such a potent and rare numerological configuration that we wont experience this energy again for another 9 years.

This means that if there is something you wish to release, if there is something that you finally or officially want to let go of, now would be the time to act. 

In fact, with the eclipses and the mercury retrograde cycle, the Universe is really supporting all of us to go within and work out once and for all what we need to release in order to move forward.

If you have been wearing a heavy coat of burdens, if you have been stuck in a cycle of repetitive thought, if you have been sabotaging your efforts, take the time to think about letting it all go. 

September is an extremely potent month and chances are you will have to do little in order to truly see where you are heading and where the Universe may be guiding you to go. 

The 9-9-9 gateway energy will be with us for most of September, so go with the flow and see what manifests for you this month. 

“999 is a message signifying completion of an important chapter in your life…this number sequence is like an alarm clock, ringing loudly to jolt you into working on your life’s purpose”- Doreen Virtue"

UPDATE SUMMER 2016

WOW & WaDaFu! Shit, Mothafucka.
What can I say from all that has happened since my last post. Oh my Holly-fucking-caw. This shit is real. Not only real... This shit is powerful. Way beyond anything I ever wanted or thought I desired. In short, I'm just going to begin telling in big chunks what's been going on for the last 6 months.

MARCH 2016: That was the month that I broke up with my family. We travelled to Madrid [My mom and I] on the 3 of March [3/3] with the intention to be together. In fact my mother got her ticket paid by some people in Spain who thought she hadn't seen my brother for years; and that was true. What she didn't mention was that they hadn't seen each other because they didn't care to meet and not because they couldn't do it. So, from the very beginning the trip was kind of doomed. Somehow I knew something 'not-good' was going to come out of it. Anyway, we went and met in person. I'm going to omit telling what happened because in all honesty I'm not that much bothered right now. What is important is that because of that trip I lost close contact with my mother, be her on request, arguing that we had become co-dependant and that we needed to be less in touch (great mistake she will regret one day, since we hated each other since the moment of my birth and we only began to build a good relationship since I was diagnosed with cancer in 2000 and became very rich, then later when I became very sick with AIDS, but lets keep it that way.) So, one big breakthrough was that of my mother's desire to break-free, the other was from my brother. One night, the last night we were going to be all together in Madrid, my brother and I went for a walk. In that walk, once again he assumed my life was a mess and that I needed to change my point of view some how. Regardless of what he thought, the fact was that he was not considering one bit of how his words were really affecting me, although I kept repeating "this is not what I need to hear right now." And probably it wasn't since it destroyed my desire to build something together with them and my ability to see them as my role-models [he and my mom]. However, now in the other side of 'Aspen' I realise that those words were precisely what I needed to hear. His words sounded to me very disempowering and defeated. But anyhow, because of those words, I gave up my idea to become greater together and somehow [conquer the world] become one power that could unite all skatered parts of itself.
After that trip, I came back to London and began taking HIV meds as a way to send all my efforts to find natural health to go-and-fcuk-themselves! And since the best way to hurt them has been by hurting myself, well that was what I thought was needed at that time.

APRIL: Tony dies. My upstairs neighbor dies holding my hand after 3 weeks in hospital and one in coma. He is alone here in London and by some kind of destiny I'm left with his home keys, the telephone number of his sister Vittoria in Livorno Italy, who I called in the moment of Tony's death and the possibility to take care of him, his things and his ashes. I took under my resposability to deal with paperwork, funeral stuff, clearing of his flat, giving stuff away, throwing most stuff away. From the moment of his death he became uncle Tony to me, and my life began to change in every possible way. Having had the opportunity to assist on his passing with a very relaxing mantra, and talking to him as if I was guiding him on a hypnosis to let go and access the other world, everything became sort of magical. I begin to feel very strong in body, mind and spirit.

MAY: I began having a sort of breakdown. I smoke too much weed, but I don't care because in a way I was having an amazing spiritual awakening, having been freed from my family and the connection I felt with uncle Tony, those circumstances played in paradox with the sadness I felt for loosing my family and the amazing power I was beginning to build within myself. A sort of revelation became the fact that I was not longer tied to a certain outcome and was feeling as free as never before. That's when I began smoking weed on live-camera on facebook. In that moment, I felt I lost all credibility from the few people that followed me, and my family simply realised I was simply as sad-crazy-fuck.... True! LOL
However, that sad-crazy-fuck was feeling as happy, sane and godlike like never before, my mind began to put the final pieces of the puzzle on the right place and a new image was beginig to form in from of me. Still I didn't have much of an idea but the idea of not-knowing was not longer real. I just began to feel very strong.

JUN: I get become so rich that I begin sharing the abundance. However, small circumstances become big turn of events. I hire a PT to work harder on strengthening  my lower back and shoulders, few weeks into training, training with Virgis I hurt my back. I decided to take the responsibility, but he doesn't seem to worry about it. Seeing his very little care, I decided to sue him but we managed to talk [Virgis and I] on my way to the lawyer and I changed my mind when he agreed to meet me in my home for a 2 hour face to face meeting where I was just going to tell him exactly what I thought of him. After the meeting we agreed to meet every Monday for 2 hours at my place for a session in consciousness and mind-expansion. That was the first time I began to talk about Quantum Consciousness. Then, the magic really began to happen. Then, Reinaldo's mom die, and he leaves to Brazil finally leaving me alone and smoke free. My life rocketed in that moment. paradoxically, as a part of me was feeling stronger another felt challenged. I paid for some courses to update my PT qualifications and I was terrified because I didn't feel I could do it. Information was diificult to absorb.

JULY: I begin to teach and talk about Quantum Consciousness. Open a group in Meetup and begin to meet with people every wednesday and thursday to talk about my experience and the experience of life Im living in this moment. Life becomes such a game, I begin to feel stronger and stronger. As I begin to work with Virgis and he offers me free PT sesions in exchange for the sessions I'm working with him, my back experiences a remarkable recovery, and not only that, it feels a lot stronger that even before the injury. Somehow I feel that the way the incident was managed allowed stronger bonds to form not only in my body [bones] but in out collective and individual minds. I began to study and to create structure within my mind and life. Yoga and meditation become pillars, stronger pillars than before. Yusral Hakim tells me how bad he feels about his life and I invite him to come to london and stay with me. He books his flight for the 20th August, 2016.

AUGUST: I continue with Quantum Consciousness. I'm definitely more balanced that ever before. Feel very strong and clear without smoking. I begin to find easy my studies and get on track with them. Also the meetings become a success and talk with people 1-1. Something begins to feel weird. I feel like my work will transmute somehow. I buy my ticket to Italy for september, when I'll be taking Uncle Tony"s ashes back to Italy after 22 years of not going back, to be reunited with his family on his birthday the 20th Sept, when he was going to turn 64. Hakim arrives from Malaysia, and I realise he has no money with him but £260 BP. That reminds me so much of my time when I came to London from MeXico with only £250 pounds in my pocket. But it's ok, the abundance felt since April was still flowing in great currents so, I decided to take on all his expenses. The first two weeks are fine and he begins to see a lot of recovery. His body is still 90% covered in psoriasis. The challenge is big but I feel bigger. The QC meetup stops feeling attractive to me. I feel like I did what I needed to do and that was share my experience.

SEPTEMBER: It's only the 5th and its already having massive changes. Today is monday and this past weekend we smoked weed with Reinaldo. Today I didn't go to the gym but we did the Nabhi Kriya and did a meditation. I my relationship with Yeshsua [Hakim journey's name] has become a little special. We are learning from one another and I'm trying my absolute best to be real and show all sides of me, not only the ones I know are going to be liked and accepted but the ones that present a challenge too. I can't be 24/7 teacher just yet, but It's becoming clear that that is my call. still, I'm enjoying the little ignorance with innocence and excitement. Yesterday I saw the relationship between body-cells and soul-cells, spectrums of water and our existence as spirits. I also saw some of my old fears. Fears of loosing my mom, fear of being discriminated or attacked for being gay. Right now, I'm very happy because I'm updating my blog-diary and baked a carrot cake. Yeshua is healing very quick but is itching a lot. Let us pray he feels more comfort soon.

Thank You for Listening,
Blessed By Love,
LoveAlways
x
333
_____________________

Quantum Healing. Day 15

Today I had the opportunity to experience first hand the kind of quantum healing I'd like to talk about.

First, let me tell you a little story. This story is about natural health and the power of the mind.

All began 8 years ago, when I first found out the controversy theory about HIV.
This theory claims that HIV is not the cause of AIDS.
Regardless of the logistics and validity of such theory, I chose back in 2008, when I first encounter such claim, to trust and believe it. Knowing that there had to be be some sort of truth behind it, since scientist, doctors and journalist from all over the world were behind it. However, I couldn't put all my faith in the new ideas since the old beliefs about HIV did also resonated with truth within myself.

So, I did what I do best and throw myself into a new challenge to discover what the hell is true and real for me.

Of course, this means that what is true for me it is only that... true for me, and everything I share here should be taken as that... my truth and nothing else. I asume no responsibility over your shit. Your shit is your shit and you should know how to deal with that.

If you want to know about what happened between 2006 when I first got diagnosed HIV positive and 20-13, I suggest you buy my new book I  AM DARKLIGHT by Eduardo Emris. This book tells all the stories about how HIV did not kill me when it was supposed to do so.

However, this new sets of videos is intended to document the present moment and circumstances.
I've chosen to record this process now, because I believe to have finally found the Philosopher's Stone in regards healing AIDS naturally.

In this process, I have gone through a massive transformation, but I can say that the most meaningful one would be, the transformation of my mind. My subconscious mind to be exact. In this moment, I believe to be able to dive deep into the Dark waters of my mind without pain, anxiety or fear, and this helps me to have more understanding of the mechanics of my reality and how to move forward in the way I intend to live my life.
I am not saying I'm an expert in this field, but I can definitely say that I can find my way out of the darkness of my mind. This is particularly interesting, useful and beneficial since it allows me to achieve my goal, in health, peace and love.

So, today I begin a new countdown. In 15 days I will take a blood test to measure the level of this transformation, and it will be performed by the NHS, my HIV doctors to be more precise.

I have been determined to find natural vibrant health and balance for 8 years, but for the last 9 months, I've been receiving confirmation and proof, that what I've been doing is working and its healing my body and mind.

Quantum Healing is the ability to act and not-react in a conscious way. Able to learn from all the events and circumstances that the moment presents in awareness and trust that we are always moving in the right direction.


This is an example of Quantum Healing:
This happened to me today.

Imagine waking up in the morning. This is the moment when you begin to forget the dreams you dreamt during the night. You are still half-sleep and suddenly you can feel an intense fear harbouring in your heart. Immediately, your mind begins to look for the meaning of your fear.--  What is this fear all about? You ask yourself.
 Out of nowhere, your mind creates a scenario, which resembles past events when you felt the same fear, in similar circumstances. In that moment the fear feels familiar, you recognise it as yours and the fear grounds itself in you.

Anxious, you begin to worry. You know you have things to do, your day is awaiting for you. You cannot afford not to feel good, but you can't avoid feeling bad. In that moment you are presented with a choice....

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

You know where the fear comes from. You know its shape, Its colour and its strength. But you also know, you've been doing all you can to overcome your obstacles. You've been disciplined, and committed to change and improve yourself. You know you cannot longer live the way you did before.
You can't allow yourself to feel Not-Good-Enough, not powerful enough, not rich enough, not happy enough, not loved enough. But you cannot deny the fear and weakness that you feel. In that moment, you choose not to react, and sit in silence, waiting for the impulse to act.

Minutes pass and you let go of all your worries. Your eyes close and your mind becomes silent.
For a while, nothing happens. You are aware of the possibility of you not feeling well enough to go to work today, and that is ok. Your health is first. But you want to go, not because you have to but because you love what you do, and you know it will make you feel a lot better doing what you love doing, than staying alone in bed feeling afraid, naked and sick.

For a moment, you drift into no-mans-land but before the dream begins, it ends with an impulse to act. A certain energy overpowers your mind, and you get ready to go to work.

This day, you perform like never before. You find strength out of nowhere, and realised the symptoms you felt  were created by your subconscious mind, and the only thing your mind needed to make those fears real was the acknowledgment of your conscious self. In that moment, you know that if had believed that you were in fact sick, weak and tired you wouldn't have felt this strong right now. You don't know exactly how things happened, but you know you feel good, powerful and strong; and today becomes a very good day. You create, you trust and you heal. And so it is. 333

WHEN SHITS HIT THE FAN (And the Fan hits back)

February 12, 2016. 

WHEN SHITS HIT THE FAN (And the Fan hits back) 

   Right now I feel like everything is wrong. The sensations on my feet, the tiny pressure against the temples of my head, the sound of silence, the vacant mind; never before I experienced wrong in such a good way.
For days now, having experience a withdraw from something I'm still in the process of discovering what the fuck it is, I don't feel like escaping it. I don't want to drink, smoke, call a friend or answer the phone. All I want is to feel bad and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it. This may sound so strange, specially since I know exactly what to do to start feeling good again.

In the healthy side, I can meditate, do yoga or o for a long walk in the woods, repeat affirmations, cook a big healthy and delicious meal, or play with my cats; any of these would make me feel Godly again... But no, I choose no to, I choose to do nothing at all. Something in me is telling me not to avoid these emotions, and instead sink deep into solitary confinement.

On the other side, and this is where it gets very interesting, I don't feel the way I always felt, needy, frightened or out of control. This week I had countless occasions to give in into my old patterns. People called me from everywhere to invite me for a drink, a smoke or a fuck. And although was very tempting, somehow I saw myself saying NO to all of them.

I did have a very powerful event happening to me last week, when after a Hypnotic Regression something in me told me I had arrived at the end of the road, no more to discover ahead, only to create. Everything changed since then.
The person I thought I had wronged by not disclosing my HIV status when he unprotectedly had sex with me, came clean and told me that this is something he likes to do and gives him a boost every time he does it. Although, I felt like shit for days, went with him to hospital, kept almost in constant contact, and at the end I was the one being played at.

I was supposed to be the dark one, the crazy one, but shocking was the moment when things turned around. Being used and abused I chose to stop this treatment, and began to withdraw from them. I know who I am and how brilliant my shadow is, and let's not talk about my light because very few people can resist its shine. But even so, the moment when the darkness of ignorance finally revealed the moment's true face, it scared the shit out of me. (Not literally)

Today, I don't want to escape my reality. And this is SO FUCKING HUGE because I remember wanting to crawl back into my mother's womb when she brought me into this life. Every single second of my existence has been surrounded by the painful memory of a distant and not so distant past, future or not-here. Always wanting to die and escape in some way, shape of form. Drugs, sex and rock and roll made my day but not today. I feel a little proud thou for having the No-Need to run away, but I wonder what the hell is gonna happen now that I'm choosing to stay.

Am I happy? HELL NO!!! Am I sad? I was sad yesterday, when I said NO to the last invitation from a charming ghost. Am I depressed? Nah, I wish... If I were depressed I'd be sleeping all day. Am I angry??? Mmmm, I could but I have nothing to feel angry about.
I think, the way I feel is empty. But not empty bad, but empty good, or is it? Fuck knows.

One thing is certain, the fucking ME voice is not talking back to me, I can't have winding conversations with myself fantasising over world domination or soul damnation. I feel lonely without that constant evil company inside my head. The voice is gone or it is speaking very low. 333

The Saddest day

February 11, 2016. 11:11pm. 

Today has been the saddest day of my life; everything I loved about being me is gone. Paradoxically, the things I loved were the same ones that killed many times my joy, but somehow made me feel alive.
I remembered one day, not long ago, I made a choice. I decided not to die for anyone not even myself and that promise has come true.
Funny enough, I never expected to feel so miserable having achieved everything I wished for. Maybe, it didn't help to have such different view of the world, where in my reality I am immortal, God is a satellite box as sad and lonely as I am, I enjoyed traveling to different dimensions but the bus journey killed my lungs and have decided to quit, I see illness as a road map to greatness and pity those who knows nothing about pain and in nightmares fear their own death.

Yesterday, somebody said to me that I look very scary, and for a moment he thought I was a serial killer, but even though he feared me, he couldn't resist my attraction and hoped his fears would disappear with a kiss; he was right; his words shocked me thou. He also said that I have very spooky, crazy eyes; I always thought they were actually quite beautiful, I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, I realise that by choosing to not to kill myself with harmful substances and organisms (such as virus, bacteria and fungi) today I feel dead, sad and pretty much alone; just like my version of our great god. Having everything I could possibly wish for, I wish for nothing. I observe and laugh about the weaknesses of the mere mortals around me, I enjoy the sun but use sunblock, I love the moon but I rather sleep during the night, I hate junk food and think ugly people should die. (I'd leave the judgement of who's ugly and who's not to you.) I find money such an inconvenience but an amazing catalyst, and I love being worshipped.

Today, is the first day of my new life and I have no idea who I am, but I'm Christic-Clear about who am I not. The Satellite-Box-God is such a sad little God, I might invite him to join us, of course, If ok with you. And for the rest, I guess there's not much to say. But let me say this: I will choose Death once again at 108, looking as young as today, healthy, beautiful and strong. Death will happen ONAIR and in front of yo. I will survive all your wars, will combine all your gods, and will transform all your thoughts... and in the end, you won't even know my name. 333