WHEN SHITS HIT THE FAN (And the Fan hits back)

February 12, 2016. 

WHEN SHITS HIT THE FAN (And the Fan hits back) 

   Right now I feel like everything is wrong. The sensations on my feet, the tiny pressure against the temples of my head, the sound of silence, the vacant mind; never before I experienced wrong in such a good way.
For days now, having experience a withdraw from something I'm still in the process of discovering what the fuck it is, I don't feel like escaping it. I don't want to drink, smoke, call a friend or answer the phone. All I want is to feel bad and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it. This may sound so strange, specially since I know exactly what to do to start feeling good again.

In the healthy side, I can meditate, do yoga or o for a long walk in the woods, repeat affirmations, cook a big healthy and delicious meal, or play with my cats; any of these would make me feel Godly again... But no, I choose no to, I choose to do nothing at all. Something in me is telling me not to avoid these emotions, and instead sink deep into solitary confinement.

On the other side, and this is where it gets very interesting, I don't feel the way I always felt, needy, frightened or out of control. This week I had countless occasions to give in into my old patterns. People called me from everywhere to invite me for a drink, a smoke or a fuck. And although was very tempting, somehow I saw myself saying NO to all of them.

I did have a very powerful event happening to me last week, when after a Hypnotic Regression something in me told me I had arrived at the end of the road, no more to discover ahead, only to create. Everything changed since then.
The person I thought I had wronged by not disclosing my HIV status when he unprotectedly had sex with me, came clean and told me that this is something he likes to do and gives him a boost every time he does it. Although, I felt like shit for days, went with him to hospital, kept almost in constant contact, and at the end I was the one being played at.

I was supposed to be the dark one, the crazy one, but shocking was the moment when things turned around. Being used and abused I chose to stop this treatment, and began to withdraw from them. I know who I am and how brilliant my shadow is, and let's not talk about my light because very few people can resist its shine. But even so, the moment when the darkness of ignorance finally revealed the moment's true face, it scared the shit out of me. (Not literally)

Today, I don't want to escape my reality. And this is SO FUCKING HUGE because I remember wanting to crawl back into my mother's womb when she brought me into this life. Every single second of my existence has been surrounded by the painful memory of a distant and not so distant past, future or not-here. Always wanting to die and escape in some way, shape of form. Drugs, sex and rock and roll made my day but not today. I feel a little proud thou for having the No-Need to run away, but I wonder what the hell is gonna happen now that I'm choosing to stay.

Am I happy? HELL NO!!! Am I sad? I was sad yesterday, when I said NO to the last invitation from a charming ghost. Am I depressed? Nah, I wish... If I were depressed I'd be sleeping all day. Am I angry??? Mmmm, I could but I have nothing to feel angry about.
I think, the way I feel is empty. But not empty bad, but empty good, or is it? Fuck knows.

One thing is certain, the fucking ME voice is not talking back to me, I can't have winding conversations with myself fantasising over world domination or soul damnation. I feel lonely without that constant evil company inside my head. The voice is gone or it is speaking very low. 333