I'll start with a quick update as I remember the events:
Jan 3rd- I began feeling panicky with chest pains and shortness of breath that soon turn into big issue
Jan 4th- I realise that those pains are not physical but emotional. In the acceptance of a new reality where I am now the Light I came to be.
Jan 5th- All the chest pains disappear
Jan 7th- I don't know why but I continue smoking weed and tabaco, knowingly that I will get sick and my loungs will react.
Jan 13th- Got hired to read tarot in a birthday party. 4.5 hours of psiquic readings
Jan 15th- I began with a new exercise regime that begins to transform my life but I feel too tired and I stop going to the gym
Jan 21st- I realise that I'm terrified to not being strong enough
Jan 28th- I finally stop smoking everything.
Jan 30th- I feel too tired, can't hardly leave the bed. I'm also realising the acute sense of intuition. I began working with 2 clients as Spiritual Personal Training
Feb 3rd I began again with chest pains but this time is quickly getting out of conytrol and I began to take antibiotics
Feb 6th (TODAY) I canceled my sessions with my SPT clients because I was experiencing shortness of breath.
I realise that all this pains and ilnessnes are a very strong way to hide from reality. I realise I'm afraid of confronting my life and becoming the only responsable for my well being.
This is a bit childish, I know but it is also one of the situations that creates a terrible sadness with in my heart. I always was told how unreliable I was, how bad and irresponsable.
I have hated myself for so long, for not being good enough, happy enough, intelligent enough, sociable enough. Always feeling afraid and angry.
Even thou I have worked out a lot of this feelings, I realise that I still have them deep within myself since I still feel the sadness and still get problems in my breathing. Well, the smoking didn't help but the thing is that I knew that only by getting sick I will stop the smoking. As if the only way to create big, long lasting changes in my life were to trigger the survival mode and so, when I'm in danger I can make changes. I wish that my mind didn't work that way and I allow myself a better, softer, more compassionate way to deal with myself.
I went to the hiv clinic, to let them know about me stoping the treatment YET FUCKING AGAIN, and to tell them about the chest pains. The doctor took some tests and I realise I'm perfectly fine. My levels of oxygen are normal and I should not have to worry about it. Thou I started taking antibiotics just to make sure it clears up before it gets worse.
Since yesterday, I've been meditating a lot on the events in my life that has caused the negative feelings. Like not accepting my gayness and actually feeling terribly embarace about it. Still today I feel ashamed to accepted infront of some people. It's like I still haven't fully accept myself, my sexuality. Also, many memories of my childhood have come to life and with them the emotions.
The most common feeling I can remember happening in my life is the feeling of inadequacy. Feeling that there was so many things wrong with me and therefore I couldn't feel confortable in my own skin. Everything about me was wrong. Even the hairs in my body when I began puberty made me feel wrong. My cloths, my home. Well, when my mother was still married to my step-father. I was so scared of making friends that I kept them away. I don't remember having any friends when I was a child and if I ever brought someone home, he was kicked out by my step father. I never had a normal childhood and that made me very sad. I didn't know who I was or why there was so many things wrong with me. Why I couldn't be like my brother Alejandro and be good in school, pay attention and be popular.
Even in the family I felt like the weird one. I used to stole things from all my cousins which obviously everybody knew it was me. they hardly talked to me, I I just wanted to be alone. I used to hide from everyone as I had very weird thoughts and behaviours.
Growing up, was the same thing. thou I began to have more social skills. That helped me to realise that if I wanted I could be very nice and people will like me. Still, I was feeling very isolated knowing that only weirder people that me would find me normal and the ones who are not, probably only wanted a piece of me and my cute bum.
I never felt handsome enough, I actually thought that I was pretty ugly. My first boyfriends were much older than me and I never fell in love with them. I always acted as the tough guy, the big top that would fuck anything that moves but in reality I was fantasising about me being the submissive one. I don't know why I feel that being passive is worse...maybe a mexican thing.
Anyway, many feelings and emotions are surfacing and I'm dealing with all of them. I ask for guidance for the best of my abilities to transcend this emotion and allow myself and new life.
I'll continue writing
Satnam
xXx
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