But we didn't know better, even if we had the theory, put it into practice is a totally different. So many times I wanted to reach balance between what my mind thought and what my spirit felt but couldn't. I couldn't find that balance for so many years. Didn't know that the unbalanced experienced was precisely what I needed to motivate a big change. We all know what to do. what it's best for us and the difference between right and wrong. However, is not very easy if impossible at times to act as we know we should, which creates even more negativity in the form of guilt or self-reproach.
So how to create balance and make the mind and the heart talk the same language. How can you believe, beyond any doubt, what you know is right? This was 'the' question that made my life a living hell for so long. Going from one belief to the other like a ship without a rudder. Never knowing where I was going to end up or how far I was going to get from the sanity of peace of mind. Those were very difficult times indeed. Just last year as I came back from Mexico thinking that London was the place to launch my new life, I began to doubt as the fear of not having a place to live became so big powerful that I ended up with terrible pains around my root chakra, the energy center of security, grounding, feelings of adequacy and belonging. Everything I didn't have at that time but silly me I thought that my only problem was my weak immune system and therefore the root of all my problems. Now I know that the weakness was only a reflection of my beliefs and the reality I was living. For 40 years I firmly believed I could not support, care and love myself. It wasn't as clear as I'm saying it now but my action and reactions spoke more clearly than words. I was in constant search for security, not provided by myself as i believed I was incapable of such endeavour but provided by whomever. I could be such a lovely, sexy, full of light type of person, so finding someone who would take care of me wasn't difficult. Many times I had the opportunity to have someone who would care for me until my last days but that didn't make me happy and definitely didn't made them too happy either. I was never fully convinced I was not strong enough, good enough of caring and providing myself with exactly what I needed and desire. I always knew I could do better.
Today, I feel the light is finally settling in. Imagine living inside the darkest cave with only tiny openings that allowed hair-like rays to shine through giving hope of a very different reality just behind the vail of darkness. As we start to fiddle with those tiny openings, the holes become bigger and bigger to the point that it began to crumble. At some point the whole walls comes down and a massive light hits your eyes. At this point one becomes even blinder that before in darkness. This time we know we are infront of a new reality but it hurts and we still cannot see a thing. We feel afraid, we cried out loud wishing things can return to the way they were. We damed the light for we can't stand it and we resent ourselves for not being able to adjust to our new environment. However, little by little one begins to see a new picture, colours and textures appear and a new reality lives on. This new reality is just the beginning of a new story, now one has to adapt to this new life as the skills and experience of the time in darkness are obsolete and new skills are needed for the Life of Light. That life starts to make sense as we now feel confortable, adapted, adequate and ready to confront this new challenge. We feel right, strong and confident that wherever life takes us it will be a wonderful adventure of self-discovery. I trust my soul to show me the way as it has always done and we are happy and content to follow through during nights and days.
LoveAlways
xXx
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