My Near Death Experience (NDE)

Following my first NDE (Near Death Experience) in 2007 when I died caused by a drug overdose with crystal meth which became the first awakening into a different dimension of spirituality, in October 2011 I decided to enter a journey into the unknown guided very powerfully by my intuition. Got rid of all my material possessions, my home, all my cloths, job, everything I owned to set into a transformation journey of self-discovery and enlightenment.

Didn't judge what I was doing, it was just a very intense idea that one day sparked in my heart and since that moment I could not think of anything else. The journey took me to Mexico, the country I left almost 20 years ago but felt I needed to make connect with my roots and origins. Everything was in perfect order for the 11.11.11 alignment. I felt guided, in balance and connected to receive some kind of illumination or awareness that would transform my doubts into faith reaching new levels of consciousness. The 11.11.11 came and went and I felt nothing but frustration and anger. I was enraged beyond logic towards the Universe and all spiritual beings and connection. I had given up all my life, everything I had, I did everything I could, I was so sure something great would happen on that night of group meditation but I was left with a very frustrating and disappointing taste in my heart.

Being the warrior and survivor that I am, I took the instance to keep moving and look for ways to make the best with what I had. Few days after I began feeling a very strange sensation in my heart and lungs. I was feeling very very tired, but not physically but existentially.  I began to feel as if in some way I was getting ready to die and I was ok with it. For the last two years I had experienced pneumonia in winter, and this time I had the same feelings of my lungs collapsing. However, this time I didn't care, I was not afraid. I was very sad with the Universe and had not much strength. I felt as if a flame within me was coming to an end.

Incredibly, in my travels through the Mayan riviera I met people who invite me to give a set of 3 workshops in 3 weekends of 3 days and 3 hours each. I was presented for the first time in my life with the opportunity to talk and share my experience with the world. I choose to talk about Health, Happiness and Prosperity. This gave me the motivation and inspiration to use the last of my energy in a creative way and not panic with fear about death. I took it as a beautiful way to say goodbye to a life of pain and suffering and as a present from the Universe.

I finished just in time the set of 3 very intense weekends to go to my family and celebrate my birthday on December 21st and holidays. I managed to hide from them my condition thou they noticed I was very weak but thought I was only tired.

On the 1st of January, 2012 I told my mother and explained the feelings and symptoms in my lungs. I couldn't say I was dying. Didn't know for sure but at least that was my perception. I felt an end was near. I told her about the similarity with previos years. I also said I was convinced I shouldn't go to doctors and just focus on holistic and alternative treatments.

In my mind, I didn't want to go through the process of being given medication again. I had no intentions to continue with a life of fears and limitations and if my body wasn't responding I was ready to let it rest in peace. I decided to start with a liquid diet of fresh vegetables and fruits but my health deteriorated even faster. By the 8th of January I felt into coma, I couldn't breath by myself and was until then that my mother, respecting my wishes, took me to hospital where I was kept alive with artificial respiration.

In that moment, I began experiencing a very different reality, a new dimension. Suddenly I was traveling through a world of darkness, fear and ugliness. I knew I was in a hospital or clinic but the visions and feelings were horrendous. I couldn't move but I was still in awareness of my senses, I was talking to myself inside an active mind. I was feeling very frightened and angry. I didn't know where I was or what was happening. I started to feel as if I was moved from room to room. Everything was submerge in a red-ish  fog and there were entities that moved very strangely as if in another time/space continuum. Dwarfs or nomes making very strange and horrible noises as if laughing about my fears and emotional state. Shadows coming and going throwing things at me. I felt some powder been blown all over me. I was feeling very scared. I knew my mother was around but in another room or part of the hospital. I was shouting... Somebody help me! I felt so desperate, it was the most horrible moment of my life and there was no ending of it. The more I panicked the worse it got. But I sensed my mother talking to me and having some kind of psychic communication where she told me to calm down. She made feel she was close and I needed to relax. As I relaxed while talking to her, I felt as if I was wheeled into a lift and taken to a different level of that building.

As soon as we reached the new level, everything changed. There was no more that red-light fog and everything looked clearer and more normal. I was in a big corredor, I was very cold. Very tall walls of dark of what it looks as black shinny marvel. There was not enough light. Varandas made of glass and translucide walls where I could see my family across. They were like waiting in the visitors area. I knew they couldn't see me but I felt their love and support for me and in some way I could comunicate with some of them. I even saw a cousin kind of fighting for me after I told him about the previous stage of red fear and ugly treatment. But it all started to speed up and at some point all turned into memory flashes. It felt as saying the final goodbyes during a life review. I had the opportunity to come closer one last time. My mother's essence was still very vivid within me but even hers left when I saw myself inside of something like a box and my partner staring at me through a little glass window right in front of my face. He was crying and I remember saying, 'don't cry, I'm ok... everything is alright dear. I love you, thank you for been here. I got to go now'. That's the last I remember of that stage.

The next place, I entered some kind of vortex or tunnel which felt like when we fall asleep and we loosen up completely. However, this time I was fully aware of every detail. I began to feel how I was leaving my body behind, the sensation of expansion was amazing and weightlessness.

A new scenario form and I was in this place that looked like a white beach of endless dimensions. There was a fine line that crossed from left to right but like the horizon, it got lost in the distance.

The more time I spent in that place the more I became aware of. I had the sensation of remembering my original state of being. I felt as expansive as the whole place thou my consciousness could still focus as if I had eyes. I felt free from the limits of the skin and the weight of mass. I was floating but in control of my experience as if I knew that even thou I expand beyond my imagination forming part of everything I still hold and form a unit. Having enough space to experience the sensations felt I focused on the love I was feeling, the care and understanding experienced. Suddenly I knew everything, I was free of negativity and density. Felt so guided and protected, a total integration.

I began to feel the pull to move forward toward the dividing line, I could still remember my recent lifetime but felt ready to let it go of it. Still thou, I felt as if I wanted to go back to it I could but I had chosen not to. So I kept moving forward. With every move I felt closer to whatever was on the other side. Started to notice and distinguish lots of flames of energy standing next to each other. I knew there were people but couldn't see any feet or heads. I also knew they were there to welcoming me back. I felt their love and support like family.

As I stated to get closer to the crossing, I noticed two of this flames approaching the line, they were my grannies, my mother's parents were there to welcome me as I felt even more love if that was possible. I felt about to explode and so ready to cross.... But was in that moment, as I was ready to make contact with them that a little light like a fisherman's line made of light came from behind me over my upper right corner, crosses in front of me, no more than an arm-distance away makes a U turn and gets into me. Pretty much at my heart level and pulls me back.

It was a little disconcerting, but not strong enough to change anything. However, in a matter of no time multitude of this tiny lights began to come from behind and from every direction. Like being engulfed by a massive solar flare from behind, all these lights turning around right infront of me and anchor into my heart centre pulling me back to what I felt was my old life. This time the force was much stronger and I began to feel how I was loosing ground. I was moving away from the crossing line and my grannies began to disappear. I began to struggle and resist those lights. I didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay and crossover. I was ready.

I resisted with all my power but those lights were strong as well, for a moment we were going no were but was in that instance when a voice, or a knowingness of very deep vibrations, much deeper that any of the experience remembered talked to me and said:

STOP RESISTING AND LET GO. YOUR NEXT FORTY YEARS ARE NOT THE SAME AS YOUR PREVIOUS FORTY YEARS. NOW IS TIME TO SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE.

I felt in presence of a higher, much much much higher consciousness than mine. It felt like a father, my father and source. Suddenly those words were embedded in every level of my existence, my energy was now infused with the certainty of happiness, health, wisdom and love.

next thing I remember is entering a vortex being pulled back by those lights and gaining consciousness back inside my body, thou I still couldn't move or even open my eyes. The nurses were washing my hair and I came back as they dropped my head unto the pillow. The pain and all the sensations of this world came back. My body hurt, I was in much pain, couldn't breath, couldn't move. I felt heavy and shocked.... but I knew that I was going to get well very quick and powerful enough to transform my body and my life. A certainty that lives within me now everyday of my new life.

As I regained control and opened my eyes, saw my mother and my now ex-boyfriend by my side. My mother then tells me about the massive chain of prayers and healing created on facebook and social network sites as she began to blog her emotions from day one. Somehow, people felt very inspired and attracted to my mother's tragic story and joined in prayer from all over the world. Still today, I receive messages from people I don't know asking about my health and good-wishers from Bali, India, Egypt, Spain, UK, Argentina, Brazil, Peru, USA, Canada. The Mayan elders had a special ceremony in my name as one friend asked for their help and assistance.

In that moment I knew my life was not longer mine. Something bigger began to grow inside me, a sense of duty and service. I was not longer here for my own experience and pleasure. I was now brought back to serve and to share who I am. This transformed my perception and continues to guide my transformation with every breath I take.

I am now fully aware, humbly and eternally grateful for this new opportunity to serve in the evolution and expansion of our consciousness as One, in times of massive change for everyone.

LoveAlways

xXx

Surprise Surprise

What about if suddenly you have nothing to worry about?
In that moment there's a massive hole created in the middle of one's universe which is filled by torrents of gratitude and love. Imagine simply that life is all you want and desire and suddenly you realise it's time to play and make dreams come true. Why? because simply, there's nothing else to do. Its time to be happy, to be all we can be and share it with the world.

We are used to so much worry, so much pain created in the hope of health and peace. Sounds funny, but that's what we as society creates all the time, war in the hope of peace. Religions create fear in the hope of Love. Governments create Laws in the hope of freedom. We, single individuals create so much anger in the hope of happiness but as we are very aware of, that happiness very rarely arrives. We pursue our desires by pushing them away and then we dare to question the Universe why we are so unhappy, empty and ill? Mentally and physically but more importantly spiritually. Our souls cry for a different reality and only ask for one simple thing...TRUST but that becomes almost imposible as the dark mind commands the actions of an automaton passing through life without ever realising what means to be alive.

But that is not always the case. After few listen to 'the call' and responded to it, one is now in a very different position. Now we can dream again to bee the happiest, healthiest, richest, wisest and more spiritual person alive.
LoveAlways
xXx

What a difference a day makes

Today,  life is still driven by shingle pain in the back. Waking up every 4 hours during night to take the medication (aciclovir) stops me from having a restful sleep and creates tiredness and weakness during the day. However, this pain is nothing compared to what I have gone through years before, this pain is actually pretty mild so far. I'm not sure if its going to get worse or better at this point. I feel its changing rapidly which is great! Before, my state of mind and beliefs made every situation worse, either stomach problems, throat pains, itchy skin, etc. but this time is completely different. I know that whatever the shingles are, they are only playing a part in my movie. This reality that right now I'm facing. The moment that so many times before have weaken my spirit and mind creating chaos and fears, where I used to run like crazy looking for a place to hide. Oh, poor me. How much you struggled with so little.
But we didn't know better, even if we had the theory, put it into practice is a totally different. So many times I wanted to reach balance between what my mind thought and what my spirit felt but couldn't. I couldn't find that balance for so many years. Didn't know that the unbalanced experienced was precisely what I needed to motivate a big change. We all know what to do. what it's best for us and the difference between right and wrong. However, is not very easy if impossible at times to act as we know we should, which creates even more negativity in the form of guilt or self-reproach.

So how to create balance and make the mind and the heart talk the same language. How can you believe, beyond any doubt, what you know is right? This was 'the' question that made my life a living hell for so long. Going from one belief to the other like a ship without a rudder. Never knowing where I was going to end up or how far I was going to get from the sanity of peace of mind. Those were very difficult times indeed. Just last year as I came back from Mexico thinking that London was the place to launch my new life, I began to doubt as the fear of not having a place to live became so big powerful that I ended up with terrible pains around my root chakra, the energy center of security, grounding, feelings of adequacy and belonging. Everything I didn't have at that time but silly me I thought that my only problem was my weak immune system and therefore the root of all my problems. Now I know that the weakness was only a reflection of my beliefs and the reality I was living. For 40 years I firmly believed I could not support, care and love myself. It wasn't as clear as I'm saying it now but my action and reactions spoke more clearly than words. I was in constant search for security, not provided by myself as i believed I was incapable of such endeavour but provided by whomever. I could be such a lovely, sexy, full of light type of person, so finding someone who would take care of me wasn't difficult. Many times I had the opportunity to have someone who would care for me until my last days but that didn't make me happy and definitely didn't made them too happy either. I was never fully convinced I was not strong enough, good enough of caring and providing myself with exactly what I needed and desire. I always knew I could do better.

Today, I feel the light is finally settling in. Imagine living inside the darkest cave with only tiny openings that allowed hair-like rays to shine through giving hope of a very different reality just behind the vail of darkness. As we start to fiddle with those tiny openings, the holes become bigger and bigger to the point that it began to crumble. At some point the whole walls comes down and a massive light hits your eyes. At this point one becomes even blinder that before in darkness. This time we know we are infront of a new reality but it hurts and we still cannot see a thing. We feel afraid, we cried out loud wishing things can return to the way they were. We damed the light for we can't stand it and we resent ourselves for not being able to adjust to our new environment. However, little by little one begins to see a new picture, colours and textures appear and a new reality lives on. This new reality is just the beginning of a new story, now one has to adapt to this new life as the skills and experience of the time in darkness are obsolete and new skills are needed for the Life of Light. That life starts to make sense as we now feel confortable, adapted, adequate and ready to confront this new challenge. We feel right, strong and confident that wherever life takes us it will be a wonderful adventure of self-discovery. I trust my soul to show me the way as it has always done and we are happy and content to follow through during nights and days.

LoveAlways
xXx

Shingle bells, shingle bells

Big wednesday, a day that will live in memory. New life is making it's mark... literally LOL. I got the shingles :)
Last monday went to the HIV clinic to talk to the doctor and tell him that I was not ready for a commitment about taking medication  I feel is not for me as I've known for many years now, but this time I'm not in doubt as I was for so many years and reason why I went into treatment 4-5 times.
I have managed to put behind my addictions... Finally, no more smoking of any kind, no drinking, no more hiding or running away from reality. This time is face to face with life and that included talking to the doctors and telling them I wanted to continue having a regular check ups and in case I get something (like the shingles this time) to be treated.
I felt very proud of myself, very empowered like I never did before, even the shingles didn't make me feel nervous or stressed about not taking the meds. Actually its helping me to feel stronger in my mind and I know that if I'm strong in the mind will be strong in the body.
I'm also waking up early 4:30am for Sadhana, my daily discipline of yoga and meditation. This is helping me to have much more clarity and certainty about the things I want to do in life. I realise now that a Master to stay a Master is necessary to stay on top of the game. This life is a constant proving and improving and is now the time to raise the game and stay firm.

I feeling very clearly how for the first time in my life I'm finally leaving behind this episode of weak immunity. Were the body weakness was only a reflexion of my inner state of mind and life. I've been a consumer all my life, buying, getting stuff and people to do things for me. Using my many talents and abilities to create a bubble of safety that kept bursting all the time but now, I'm shifting my life, Now, I'm a Producer, I create opportunities and new experiences for the general wellbeing. This shift has taken place gradually. It hasn't being easy as I'm learning by trial and error. I'm not having many people around who can advise much. I'd love to have a coach myself but I'm sure it will arrive when I'm ready for it.

Meantime, I joined Nikken a Japanese company that I got introduced to in Mexico by my friends and with great focus on wellbeing and health. I already registered and will receive my welcome package very soon. I have very strong feelings that through the promotion and sales of this products my income will increase greatly, giving me the opportunity to produce even more change and improve my life and the life of many others enormously. It just feels like the right move. I'm sure that by next week I will close my first sales :)

Life is not easy at the moment, It could be better or it could also be worse but I don't care. Right now it is what it is and I feel adequate to face it right on. I have the perfect tools to help me though any situation and with the right set of mind and spirit this feels like a moment in life I want to fully be aware of. I feel very strongly the joy of being stronger that the pain. I am strong in body, mind and spirit.
LoveAlways
xXx

Winter Update 2013 - Dear Diary

What a beginning of the year. I didn't write before probably out of not knowing what to write. Things have changed so quickly. I hardly have the time to digest the current situation when a new shift happens and everything transforms once again.
I'll start with a quick update as I remember the events:
Jan 3rd- I began feeling panicky with chest pains and shortness of breath that soon turn into big issue
Jan 4th- I realise that those pains are not physical but emotional. In the acceptance of a new reality where I am now the Light I came to be.
Jan 5th- All the chest pains disappear
Jan 7th- I don't know why but I continue smoking weed and tabaco, knowingly that I will get sick and my loungs will react.
Jan 13th- Got hired to read tarot in a birthday party. 4.5 hours of psiquic readings
Jan 15th- I began with a new exercise regime that begins to transform my life but I feel too tired and I stop going to the gym
Jan 21st- I realise that I'm terrified to not being strong enough
Jan 28th- I finally stop smoking everything.
Jan 30th- I feel too tired, can't hardly leave the bed. I'm also realising the acute sense of intuition. I began working with 2 clients as Spiritual Personal Training
Feb 3rd I began again with chest pains but this time is quickly getting out of conytrol and I began to take antibiotics
Feb 6th (TODAY) I canceled my sessions with my SPT clients because I was experiencing shortness of breath.
I realise that all this pains and ilnessnes are a very strong way to hide from reality. I realise I'm afraid of confronting my life and becoming the only responsable for my well being.

This is a bit childish, I know but it is also one of the situations that creates a terrible sadness with in my heart. I always was told how unreliable I was, how bad and irresponsable.
I have hated myself for so long, for not being good enough, happy enough, intelligent enough, sociable enough. Always feeling afraid and angry.
Even thou I have worked out a lot of this feelings, I realise that I still have them deep within myself since I still feel the sadness and still get problems in my breathing. Well, the smoking didn't help but the thing is that I knew that only by getting sick I will stop the smoking. As if the only way to create big, long lasting changes in my life were to trigger the survival mode and so, when I'm in danger I can make changes. I wish that my mind didn't work that way and I allow myself a better, softer, more compassionate way to deal with myself.

I went to the hiv clinic, to let them know about me stoping the treatment YET FUCKING AGAIN, and to tell them about the chest pains. The doctor took some tests and I realise I'm perfectly fine. My levels of oxygen are normal and I should not have to worry about it. Thou I started taking antibiotics just to make sure it clears up before it gets worse.

Since yesterday, I've been meditating a lot on the events in my life that has caused the negative feelings. Like not accepting my gayness and actually feeling terribly embarace about it. Still today I feel ashamed to accepted infront of some people. It's like I still haven't fully accept myself, my sexuality. Also, many memories of my childhood have come to life and with them the emotions.
The most common feeling I can remember happening in my life is the feeling of inadequacy. Feeling that there was so many things wrong with me and therefore I couldn't feel confortable in my own skin. Everything about me was wrong. Even the hairs in my body when I began puberty made me feel wrong. My cloths, my home. Well, when my mother was still married to my step-father. I was so scared of making friends that I kept them away. I don't remember having any friends when I was a child and if I ever brought someone home, he was kicked out by my step father. I never had a normal childhood and that made me very sad. I didn't know who I was or why there was so many things wrong with me. Why I couldn't be like my brother Alejandro and be good in school, pay attention and be popular.

Even in the family I felt like the weird one. I used to stole things from all my cousins which obviously everybody knew it was me. they hardly talked to me, I I just wanted to be alone. I used to hide from everyone as I had very weird thoughts and behaviours.
Growing up, was the same thing. thou I began to have more social skills. That helped me to realise that if I wanted I could be very nice and people will like me. Still, I was feeling very isolated knowing that only weirder people that me would find me normal and the ones who are not, probably only wanted a piece of me and my cute bum.
I never felt handsome enough, I actually thought that I was pretty ugly. My first boyfriends were much older than me and I never fell in love with them. I always acted as the tough guy, the big top that would fuck anything that moves but in reality I was fantasising about me being the submissive one. I don't know why I feel that being passive is worse...maybe a mexican thing.

Anyway, many feelings and emotions are surfacing and I'm dealing with all of them. I ask for guidance for the best of my abilities to transcend this emotion and allow myself and new life.
I'll continue writing
Satnam
xXx