28.8.12 Words HELP Me out

In this room, north London, where I'm now based for a limited period of time. Where life feels to have another tonality, a combination of bright colours and sad ones. Gratitude and desperation, a jump between constant shift of feelings and emotions trying constantly to keep strong and positive but a painful reminder keeps bringing me down to reality. There's a very sad truth of none accomplishment, as if everything done so far was irrelevant, my existence feels irrelevant. A dreamer who becomes the dream and suddenly awakens to realise the unrealistic life that dissolves into the eternal nothingness, as when we wake up from a beautiful dream but the feeling only last for as long as we remember. Soon, the activities of the day make us focus on what needs to be done and the dream is forgotten, leaving behind an emptiness of something beautiful gone forever.

5 years conquering fears, proving the validity of truth and lies. Questioning, choosing, hiding, shining. So many emotions, so little feels accomplished. Instead of inspiring courage, there's a proven stupidity for questioning what is already stablished. Who cares for new truths when the ones in place now keep people comfortable and satisfied?

At the end I have proven nothing to no one, not even myself. Growing weaker not only physically but emotional and spiritually. If this is another lesson, god bless it for I don't care. I can't any more, I've been beaten repeatedly with reality making sure I wake up from a dream world of self healing, higher consciousness, spiritual connection and transformation into light.

Hope? What is hope? Another romantic dream that there's actual meaning to all these. That there's a higher structure to our lives, that we can affect what's happening on the other side of the world by the power of love and awareness. If this was the case, I just didn't experienced it, I just wish I could start again. I'm tired of freeing myself of all the fears and limitations of the mind. I'm tired of having choose such a difficult path. I'm sure my soul must be very satisfied with the results obtained since this has been constructed and hand picked for my own evolution and growth for a possible greater work but so far my heart is not feeling it.

So I ask to my fucking mind, what the fuck do you want from me??????? Are you stupid or just so blind to realise this is not going well. I'm not enjoying this, I'm tired of pretending to be strong and happy. I'm not, I'm lonely and in pain. I have no energy left, hope is running very low and right now I just want the pain to stop. I want my health back! I want my dreams back! I want my happiness back! I want my security back! I want my energy back! NOW!

Take your reality and shove it up your arse, I take my dreams wishing not to ever wake up to your painful truth.

LoveAlways
xXx