In another perspective I also realise how when things get less entertaining I get more time to quiet my mind and enjoy the peace of the present moment. I'm sure this is exactly what I need at the moment thou sometimes I wonder if I could've taken different choices that would've take me to different realities.
However, the reality that feels so unreal at the moment is this longing for love. I know it has been growing for a while and in the last few weeks I got to meet few people and can feel my sex appeal getting stronger but still there's no definite relationship happening.
For a moment I thought it could be a woman but sexually are not very attractive to me, though I know it could be simply because I don't know them. However, the simple fact that I need to do a lot of explanation about my baggage makes puts me off the possibility. I'm still open for anything at the moment. I feel sometimes I could be attracted to anything but it just easier and in my comfort zone to meet with a man.
In my relation with life without romance I feel very in tune with my spirituality, nothing to do with any god or shit. It is more in tune with my soul and people's soul. I truly feel connected and I wish for more opportunities to connect even more but my ideas are too radical, so far I only get big eyes and silence in response to my thoughts. So, I keep them to myself thou that's difficult because in some way I'm only being myself and I find more difficult now not to be me.
In another news, I decided to stop taking the ARV or medication for the HIV shit. I was never truly convinced about them killing or helping deal with a virus. For me the only thing they were doing were healing my fears and killing my doubts. Amazingly so, today in my doctors appointment at the St Mary's Hospital, I was told the 'viral load' was undetectable. Something really amazing after only one month taking the meds. For me a perfect indication of how the body reacts to external and internal factors. I would be very curious to see how the tests come back in 3 months after me stoping the meds but having the safety and security of a home and income as I never had before. For me will be the real test.
In the meantime, I throw away the meds but kept the containers and filled them with Vitamin C, Mutivitamins and Coral Calcium taking them every night at the same time as the meds.
I also began what is known as the Greatest Kundalini Meditation which is called Sadarshan Chakra Kriya. 11-31 minutes meditation every morning with the objective to help me free myself from doubts and last fears. Mainly the fear or doubt of healing myself not only in the body but in the mind and soul.
I began with the meditation last November the 12th, so by my birthday on the 21st Dec, I will be completing my first 40 days ever of continuing meditation into the greatest alignment ever, cosmically and within my mind, body and soul.
Everything is alright. I could wish for more or better but I'm perfectly ok with what I have at the moment. Even the fucked up computer cable that keeps me from the Internet and allows me to write my memoirs, the absent love that gives me the opportunity to focus on myself and the tight finances that keep me grateful for the ability to always cover my needs and few pleasures.
I'm learning to be simple, I'm learning my lesson well and I'm very grateful for it.
I wish for more love, romantic and intellectual love, the possibility to be more beneficial to people and for peace of mind... Oh and I wish to remember better my dreams.
THANK YOU :)
LoveAlways
xXx
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