WTF

Today is March the 1st and there's a beautiful day outside my window. The weather is so kind that alows me to keep the flow of light and air open, but I feel so angry and sad I can't fully enjoy all this light.
I've been dealing with what could be my deepest health issue. a diarrea that makes me feel insecure and frighten. It reminds me of my childhoold when my stepfather used to beat us up, and we were waiting in one bedroom hoping that he would no get up from bed or forget that we even exist in order to avoid more pain.
I remember how thin I was in those days when I used to throw up everything I could managed to eat. I could feel in my stomach like a thousand springs activated by fear and insecurity waiting for some food to come in to immediatly push it out.

That's how I feel right now, as if my inner child were so scared that things could go wrong. I connect emotionally so much with that little kid right now. I wish I could hold him very close to me and make him feel my love.
I feel very melancolic, not lonely but sad. The normal sadness that has been my faithful companion all my life. A certain sadness of exitence. Sometimes I feel there's no need for people like me in this world and we just come to as a part of a requirement or god's pleasure. Like going to school when we are children, no body ask us what do we feel or if it is an enviroment that we like or enjoy. No, we are just supposed to get on with it and make the best of it.
I never liked school, I didn't like any part of it, not the structure, the lessons, or the people. I always wished to be left alone. I knew nobody could understand my feelings and I would need to put a mask if I wanted to make them feel good.